Nothing good happens after 2:00am. Hence me writing this post. It’s come to my attention after this holiday season that I could take or leave all of my extended relatives. Like seriously. I don’t give a shit about what happens to them and with each passing year they give less shits about me. I have nothing in common with them. Being around them is a chore. I’m totally fine never seeing them again. Except maybe my grandmother because she actually puts in effort, and I’d feel bad about not reciprocating that in even the smallest way.
I don’t know if it’s normal to have this kind of anti-social revelation, but I’ve felt this way off and on for a while. The amount of people I actually give a shit about is shockingly low. And even among those people the sudden loss of any of them would only elicit a couple weeks worth of sadness, followed by a return to normality.
It’s been hard to ignore these feelings in light of drama in my friends’ lives. It used to be that I’d try to actively involve myself, providing support, advice, and help whenever I could. Then I had my own shit happen and I mentally couldn’t do that anymore. Now I’m so out of practice that even a night of trying to figure out drama and talking to people depresses and exhausts me. So I decided to stop. To give up. To let them do their thing. If they wanted me in the first place, they would have asked.
And I guess that comes to the true paradox here. I’m well aware that relationships require energy and effort. I’m terrible at that, but when I do try I get nothing in return. So I’ve decided to not even try, making my relationships even more strained.
But fuck it. I look back at high school and realize that I was never as good of friends with those people as I thought I was. I could unfriend them all today and never care again. I’m often asked who my friends or best friends are and I’m tired of answering, especially the latter, with a person who I’m sure doesn’t think the same of me. The only true best friends I’ve ever had I ended up dating. So fuck it.
I’m being selfish, that’s for sure, but why not? That’s what were all doing here, right? College is for learning about yourself, so I’m going to stay in my corner, alone(ish), and figure that out while everyone else pisses about with their high school drama. If being an asshole brings me less stress and mental strife than normalcy, than I guess I’ll be the asshole.